This post is a serious one. And I won't bite.
Have you ever feel unwanted, replaceable, I-don't-want-to-live kinda feeling ? Cause I'm feeling every bit of these things every single day. My heart was crushed too many times already. But I'm proud of it. It stays strong as the owner. Whenever I let my heart being played, I know it is stupid. I realize it. But, sometimes, I don't have control for my own heart. And figuring out why that happens will take forever.
For one moment even though you knew from the very first second it wouldn't last forever, you still didn't have the guts to say no. For that one moment, you had this thought, that maybe this is what's fated for me by God. You convinced yourselves that this will somehow work according to your plan. That, he's the one for you. And, at the end of the day, it didn't. Who would have thought it would end up like this ? NO ONE !
I want to believe that sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who’s struggling, who's frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Well, fuck this. Nothing will make it okay. Nothing. It's been forever and I still feel the sting of the pain. I still feel, how hurt it is to realize that this is the end. I still feel like nobody wants me. Of course, I'll fucking care about all these things. But, showing it all is not a good solution. I keep it to myself so I don't have to feel so pathetic in front of others.
No one will love me as I want them to. I know I'm not perfect. I'm not beautiful. And I even have no intention to be one either. I just want someone to love me as I am. Not too much, not too less. Allah swt must be his first love. Then, his mother. Then, his father. Then, his siblings and family. I just want to be his last among all these important people in his life. Is that too much too ask ? I believe it's a no.
I lose my trust in love. Not that I don't believe it exist. I do. I saw old couples holding hands, acting sweet and all that. I know, love exist. It's just not for me. Some guys do ask me out. But, I can only say "We should probably stay as friends. Good friends." It's easier that way. I almost cost my friendship once because of things called love. It's not worth it at all. Thanks God, we're still friends !
The scars are still there. I just got used to the pain. Sometimes, the memories flashed back like an old movie. Sometimes, I fell asleep after I cried my tears out. Sometimes, the hurts can still be felt. Life must go on. It won't stop unless you kill youself. And, that probably would be the stupidest thing to do on Earth. As cancer cells, they don't just disappeared. It takes times. And I hope, one day, this pain will stop.
“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” - Anonymous